Are You Happy? - It's the Wrong Question

Are you happy?  You've had this question, so have I.  We ask it of each other innocuously, however it has some real implications. You may have struggled to answer it - I certainly have.  I’d put forth that while we’re each genuinely interested in the answer when we ask it, it’s actually the wrong question most of the time.

Let me illustrate this by offering a few variations:

Are you lonely?
Are you afraid?
Are you fulfilled?
Are you hungry?

These are also states we could find ourselves in, and they can change.  I may be hungry right now, but won’t be later after I’ve eaten.  Likewise when something wonderful happens that seems to validate some work or efforts we’re involved in as a professional, parent, or volunteer it does offer the lovely glowing feeling of fulfilment.  But chances are when stuck in traffic later that day or week, that same glow is diminished.  I can be afraid of something, but it probably wouldn’t define me.  I can be thrilled with something, but that excitement fades too.

For reasons I think I may understand however, we want to treat the sometimes fleeting emotion of happiness as a state of being, as if we walk around with a big grin constantly.  That’s because when we ask one another if we’re happy, it’s not intended to be about the precise moment it happens, but rather it’s a general query, that is intended to be more precisely interpreted as “Are you not unhappy?”.

The avoidance of unhappiness I’d argue though doesn’t result in happiness.  Just as some numbers such as 2,3,6, and 478 are all positive while -2,-4 and -17 are all negative numbers, 0 is neutral, and is neither positive or negative, it just is.  (Feeling neutral isn’t positive however and wouldn’t be considered a positive answer if asked about on a 'Are you happy' scale.)  Here, context matters I’d think.  If my dog just passed away, feeling neutral is a pretty good result.  On a daily basis if you’re doing something that you don’t enjoy, neutral is fine.  Happiness is too large a hurdle to aim for.

That’s the crux of the problem.  Asking about happiness, or setting the expectation for happiness when being neutral is a fine result at times, sets the bar too high.  Add to that that we ask about this incorrectly 99% of the time, and all of a sudden happiness, that elusive social goal seems unattainable.  And that makes many people unhappy.

So going forward, I’ll try not to ask that tired old question when the moment arises, setting up anyone that answers for an often-sad moment of self-reflection.  Instead I’ll ask if they have successfully avoided unhappiness lately.  For even if the answer they offer is ‘sometimes’, that in itself is worth celebrating and smiling about.